Unquotable:John F. Kennedy[edit this page]
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M A I N P A G E
Contents
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* 1 Ich bin ein Berliner
* 2 On Courage, Peace, and Democracy
* 3 On Liberalism
* 4 On Canada and Latin America
* 5 On Being Shot
* 6 Possible Assassins
* 7 Bibliography
* 8 Fun Facts
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"In America, you ask what your country can do for you. In Soviet Russia, your country dictates what YOU! must do for it."
LinkTGFAdded by LinkTGF
John "Jack" Kennedy (29 May 1917 - 22 November 1963) was the 35th President of the United States and first husband of Jackie Kennedy. His idealism and sexual escapades continue to live on in the hearts of all American citizens. Despite popular belief, he was not assassinated. The so-called gunman was a guard, and was attempting to protect the president from a bee. Upon realizing he was mortal, the president suffered from an attack of SEHS.
[edit] Ich bin ein Berliner
Addressing a large group of Germans, Kennedy wanted to defend the West Germans, universally known for their confectionery delights, such as chocolate, cinnamon rolls, beer, and sausage. Kennedy spent months in Amsterdam prior to the event, writing the speech. Kennedy was totally tripping balls two hours before the event and realized he hadn't written any of the speech at all. Kennedy proceeded to sketch a few words on a napkin. Kennedy made up 90% of the words, partly because he was nervous and partly because of his complete and utter lack of knowledge of German. 9% of the words were affiliated to Hitler in some form. However, Kennedy managed to get four words correct: "Ich bin ein Berliner", roughly translated to "I am a jam doughnut". This phrase received a large positive response from the crowd, for, by chance, all of them worked at Dunkin' Donuts. This epic groundbreaking speech inspires many a pastry/confectionery baker to this day, despite the rest being uninterpretable gibberish. Still he was no Hitler, but who is? At least his dad hated the you-know-whos. Despite what many people believe, Kennedy was actually refering to himself as a German pastry, much aside from his vice-president which he constantly referred to as his Johnson (seriously, what a sick freak).
Cups, Cups, ICUP, International House of Cups. Arcanine is the best fucking pokemon ever.
[edit] On Courage, Peace, and Democracy
* "Say that again? Chow-dare? Chow-dare? It's chow-dah! Get it right, Frenchie!" - President Kennedy on Top Chef.
* "Achieving the goal of being a gay activist, before this decade is out, of landing a man on the moon and returning him safely to the Earth, now that would be a useless, profligate waste of resources, but it would make damn good television." - President Kennedy to Vice-President Johnson, 1961.
* "Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to 39 cent Tuesdays." - President Kennedy on cheeseburgers.
* "Hey, if something were to happen to me -- you guys have that Vietnam thing pretty well covered, right? ... Right?" - President Kennedy on assumptions.
[edit] On Liberalism
* If by a "Liberal" they mean someone who looks ahead and not into his behind, someone who welcomes new ideas provided they are OK'd by Pelosi and jfirst, someone who pretends to care about the welfare of the people — their health, their housing, their schools, their jobs, their civil rights, and their civil liberties — someone who believes we can break through the stalemate and suspicions that grip us in our policies abroad by hiding our heads in the sand, if that is what they mean by a "Liberal," then I'm proud to say I'm a "Liberal."
* If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can make the world safe for abortion, affirmative action, and gay marriage, and totaly take every ones guns away except the criminals who dont care about laws anyway.
* If a free society cannot help the many who are poor, it cannot save the New York Jewish stockbrokers, Bostonian aristocrats and California hippies.
* For supper I er a want a party platter.
[edit] On Canada and Latin America
* Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners. And necessity has made us allies. Those whom nature hath so joined together, let no man put asunder by trivial demands to rename ham bacon.
* Wait. You mean those guys down at Home Depot? And who the fuck is Canada?!
* Those who make being a CIA puppet state impossible will make a violent, CIA-backed revolution inevitable.
* Someone set up us the bomb!
* GET YO DAMN NUKES OUTTA MY HEMISPHERE!
* Dammit I will nuke yo mothafuckin ass Castro, get those nukes outta here.
* That's what I thought bitch.
* I have never been to Canada, but when I think of Canada, I think of a place filled with beautiful ladies more stacked than dear Marilyn.
* Fuck Them Niggas!
[edit] On Being Shot
* 'God, I'm hit!'
* 'Ow, my fuckin' head.'
[edit] Possible Assassins
* Lee Harvey Oswald Yeah, good one US government. Really had us going there.
* His dog - "Bad Scooter, bad!"
* Roberto Cheesefecker - fearful Moon overlord had excellent vantage point.
* The Sniper from Team Fortress 2 - "WAVE GOODBYE TO YA HEAD, WANKAH!"
* Lewis Hamilton - smug cunt.
* You - communist sympathizer.
* Cocoa - the rat.
* Pikachu - feared pimp/gangster.
* Your Mom - OH YES SHE DID, BITCH!
* Edward Blake - The comedian from that shit film Watchmen.
* Robert Kennedy - "Fuck you Jack!"
* Billy Mays - HI I'M BILLY MAYS, HERE WITH KENNEDY CLEAN! IT'LL GET RID OF ALL THE KENNEDYS IN YOUR COUNTRY, NO PROBLEM! JUST POINT, AIM, AND PULL THE TRIGGER AND JUST LIKE THAT! GONE! CALL RIGHT NOW AND GET NOT ONE BUT TWO DEAD KENNEDYS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!
* Himura Kenshin- A samurai with an X on his face. Pikachu's accomplice.
* Global Warming - scientists now value the risk of global warming-induced head explosions as much higher than previously thought.
* The Jews - it's all a conspiracy to overthrow the Aryan race!
* Bob
* Simba - From The Lion King, yeah we know it's you...
* Fat Albert - HEY HEY HEY
* Lieutenant Price - also shot his arm off...
* Dude That Killed Tupac Shakur - that motherfucker needs to be killed! He killed Tupac and now we got Souljaboy!
* Bruce Willis - Do you honestly believe he blew up Nakatomi Tower to thwart German terrorists?
[edit] Bibliography
* Profiles in Courage
* Profiles in Courage II: The Legend of Curly's Gold
* Profiles in Nookie
* Profiles in Chowdah
* Profiles in Show-der
Creation of a National Vigilante Squad.
Kennedy found four English men named John, Paul, Ringo, and George and hired them to work for him as the first ever members of the U.S. Vigilante Squad. During the night, the four paraded around as a band known as "The Beatles." However, they soon blew their cover with hit songs like "Yellow Sub Machine Gun." Kennedy hired some mercenaries to hunt the four down, successfully killing John in 1980-something, and George in 2001. Ringo and Paul escaped to the Middle East, with Ringo taking up the identity of Saddam Hussein, and Paul is believed to be identified as Osama bin Laden. The two assume their original identities once a year and record new solo albums and occasionally go on tour. The two need money to finance their exotic lifestyles in the Middle East.
[edit] Fun Facts
* This man once died, but did you know he could read all our minds?
* He made love with half of mankind.
* He was a robot sent from the future.
* He was on the brink of curing AIDS/HIV in the car when he died.
* He was a Jelly Donut.
* His ghost enjoys masturbating during his spare time.
* He was shot to prevent Osama Bin Laden from not raping Castro last night in your mums bed.
* His ghost haunts various high school photocopiers in Ohio.
* His love affair with Count Chocula allowed him to further his research on AIDS.
* He was writing an Uncyclopedia article in the car when he died.
* Loved to play his PS3.
Candidates in the 2008 U. S. Presidential Election
Republican Candidates
John McCain the Elder | Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost | Mitt Romney | Tom Tancredo | Fred Thompson | Tommy Thompson
Democratic Candidates
B. Hussein Obama | Hillary Clinton | John Edwards | Mike Gravel | Baraq Hussein Osama | Tom Vilsack | Stephen T. Colbert, DFA
Independent Candidates
Ralph Nader
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Categories: People for whom Quotes are Made up | U.S. Presidential Candidates, 2008 | Presidents | Kennedys | Superheroes | Super-Presidents | Marilyn Monroe | 1960s
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