CITYBLOGGER..PENAFIAN Laman ini tidak bertanggungjawab atas hasil penulisan yang dipetik dari sumbe

Albert Einstein
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Autistic?
Einstein, showing the camera what he did to your mom last night.
BirdEgal202Added by BirdEgal202
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Albert Einstein.


“Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by the age of 18”
~ Albert Einstein

“I find it hard to fathom as to why, or how for that matter, the masses, intensely ignorant as they are, practically worship one Albert Einstein for being of exceptionally intelligent as a result of the theory of relativity despite the fact that, due to their ongoing insistence to be ignoramuses, they do not understand it. If they were to worship all those whom their miniscule minds could not comprehend then I submit to you that they should all worship me, Immanuel Kant, seeing as I cannot formulate a sentence that any of you could have a hope of understanding. It's just not @£$%ing fair damnit!”
~ Immanuel Kant on his jealousy of Einstein

Albert Friggin' Smart' Einstein 1879 – 1955) was a German-born theoretical physicist, and the world's first true gangsta. He is famous for his theory of relativity, and specifically the parachute-pants equivalence, E = MC Hammer. Up through the 1930's, his German detractors championed the notion that this and his simultaneously developed quantum theory was all BS "Jewish science" until they woke up one day and realized they could build a bomb with it. Thereafter, it was revealed that Einstein's work was plagiarized, having suddenly been expressed only a few decades earlier by Max Planck, Henri Poincare or other lesser known gangsters. These Einstein referred to as "hairy-assed playa-hatas."
Contents
[hide]

* 1 Birth
* 2 Death
o 2.1 Conspiracy Theories
* 3 The truth about Einstein's tongue
* 4 Effects of Relativity
* 5 Einstein's Famous Formula
* 6 Einstein's feud with Pythagoras
* 7 Einstein's rapping career
* 8 Psycho-Analysis
* 9 Other Notable Facts
* 10 See Also

[edit] Birth
Einstein as featured in MA1
Dls090792Added by Dls090792

At the age of three Einstein (pronounced WANG-STAIN) has acquired the deadly habit of mainlining shrooms, cannabis, and LSD. The crazy mixed up prodigy of an accident in time travel, the Albert Einstein who shocked the world was truly the son of Giuseppe the Genius. Hoping to get some action (you know what sort of action I mean ) in Germany, the young Genius discovered the secret to time travel. Upon reaching the late 1800s, he met an agnostic prostitute and converted her to Judaism. After enjoying the time old Charleston, they settled down in a bed near Berlin. Some complications in the time machine caused Einstein to be born as a sixty year old man the next day. This was later corrected by Giuseppe through the use of hot mustard. Giuseppe trained the young Einstein in his ways, including the secret style of penguino ninjitsu, and gave him the credit for the theory of Tiger Ballz. Later a giant chicken ball came and crushed Einstein, sending him into an alternate reality, and replacing him with the 615th reincarnation of the Evil Lord Xenu. He came back to the present and wrote this article.
[edit] Death
'einstein passing though every point in the universe'.
VitalODAdded by VitalOD
As we all know Einstein's life came to a tragic end when he imploded in a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to win a bet that he could generate a mini black hole by cycling around the world faster than the speed of light. Then tragedy struck as Einstein drew level with the velocity of light he became infinitely dense instantaneously passing through every point in the universe. This had the unfortunate side effect of giving him infinite gravitational force which in turn caused the infinitely large Einstein and the entire universe of space and time to fold in on itself until it disappeared into an infinitely small point that is commonly referred to by some of the world's most respected theoretical astrophysicists as a "lil' biddy dot".

An alternate, now disregarded theory suggests that Einstein died as a result of his brain spontaneously dividing π by 0. E= mc2 is the result of his death.
[edit] Conspiracy Theories

There is increasing speculation that the story surrounding Einstein's death is more intricate than previously thought. Many moustachologists believe that he actually travelled through time to 1996, changed his name to Des Lynam and forged a successful career as a British television presenter. Credence to this hypothesis has grown since the sudden disappearance of Des Lynam in 2006. While cynics propose that Lynam is not in fact Einstein and merely faded into obscurity after being fired from his job on Countdown for being too boring, realists believe he travelled back to his original time.
[edit] The truth about Einstein's tongue
Several time travelling Einsteins meeting with God (shown playing upside down) to play dice
Orion BlastarAdded by Orion Blastar

According to secret historical documents in the Pentagon, Einstein's well-known picture was taken while he was licking a Russian prostitute. Actually she wasn't a prostitute: She was an NKVD agent. It was the winter of 1926 in Germany. Because of the economical crisis in Germany after World War One, there was no coal to warm up. Sly Soviet agents were aware of this situation; they also were knowing of Einstein's excess libido. So, all they need were a beautiful woman and a camera. And someone to use the camera, of course. After Einstein began licking, the cameraman were coming close slowly. But the cameraman involuntary hit the furniture tripod. Einstein discovered him. The cameraman were still trying to do his job. While Einstein was looking on the cameraman with confused eyes, he attempted to say "whadda fuck is goin' on?". But he couldn't. Because of the cold weather, his tongue stuck down his chin. So shame... "The great physicist" hadn't got a foresight about what's the combine of cold weather and wet objects. Meanwhile, cameraman took the picture and went back to Moscow. Stalin purposed to use that picture to blackmail Einstein and get him with the precious scientific secrets which would accomplish the Soviet Nuclear Program. But the plans didn't work anymore. Because there was more "hardcore" photos of Stalin, Lenin and Trotsky, those taken in an orgy made in Kremlin. (Rumours say the orgy pictures transmitted to the USA by Trotsky as a result of his strive against Stalin.) Roosevelt threatened to publicise those pictures if they don't return the picture of Einstein. And Stalin stepped backward.

It has been theorized by Eistein himself that this is perhaps the stupidest section in this article.
[edit] Effects of Relativity

When Einstein invented space and time and espresso he realised that if you go really fast, like Olympic athletes do, you get really small. This phenomenon was recently witnessed in the success of Chinese athletes in the 2008 Olympic games.
[edit] Einstein's Famous Formula
Einstein was known to think better with his pants off, which is how he discovered the "So called famous formula - E=mc^2"
Uncyclopedia.wikipediaAdded by Uncyclopedia.wikipedia

When we think of Einstein we think of his formula E=MC² and we often wonder what it stands for or what it means from the point of a editor from the Observer newspaper. Unfortunately Einstein got in a feud with the Nobel Peace Prize committee and refused to tell anyone until they apologize with a pair of smoking shoes of his size.

Although we may never truly understand Einstein's Theory of Relativity, it is assumed to be related to the concept of relative association in that where this is a way there is a will, and that where there is will there is likely to be a relative.

Another interpretation which appears more likely than anything to do with Energy, Mass or the Speed of Light is Albert Einstein's Theory of Cheesology.

Taking his famous equation of:

math

One can assume the letters represent:

* Eat - The E stands for Eat.
* More - The M stands for More.
* Cheese - The C stands for Cheese.

Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:

"Eat More Cheese than you normally would."
Because eating cheese makes you fat, and fat people get on the Biggest Loser

The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of Cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein's Law then you must eat math in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.

This 50g squared amount is equal to 2.5kg (2500g) which is the FCO's (Food Consumption Organization) recommendations on daily Cheese consumption.

It is still unknown what kind of cheese he might be referring to.

However, a shocking and profound theory has recently emerged in the scientific community. The founder of Perdue has recently suggested Einstein meant to say "Eat More Cheese SQUARES". If true, then the very foundations of science would be shaken by the sheer power of the newly promoted Cheese squares.
[edit] Einstein's feud with Pythagoras
Although Einstein is mainly known for his advances in the scientific field, he was also quite the romantic poet.
FroznfoodAdded by Froznfood

Since they were both born Albert and Pythag have always been at war. Even during maths classes with Mrs C Roberts in MA1 they fought, trying to come up with the most intelligent formulas and theories. In the end Albert won by bribing Mrs Roberts with a sack of parsnips and he got top degrees. After school they went their separate ways with Albert going to Germany, then America, and Pythag going to Samos and then Memphis Uni. Eventually they both made their career defining theories, Einstein's E=MC² and Pythag's a²+b²=c². At the maths awards at the end of the year, Pythag won the maths award for Best Theorem, but Albert couldn't bear to see him win so he cut him down with his secret weapon, before claiming he won and hypnotising everyone with his maths. This was the end of their feud, and Albert then became known as the world's greatest mathematician, and Pythag was quietly forgotten by all but Mrs C Roberts and kids who have to learn his theorem.
[edit] Einstein's rapping career
rare copy of E=MCPIMPED found in basement of old packrat
ArborguitarsAdded by Arborguitars
Beware the knockoffs.
Jocke PiratAdded by Jocke Pirat

Einstein was once completely set for rapping, he went by the name A-stein E-stein. He teamed up with the likes of Kid Rock, Eminem, JAYZEE, Weird Al and Reuben Glaser. He has had a few albums out, one was labeled "PI Sucks ASS". Due to the large words and frequent references to science, Einstein's first abloom didn't sell well at all. His partner was a small black man named "COX" who later committed suicide after Einstein's second attempt at an album called "E=equals MCpimped2." His hit song from this one was "Big Brains Bring Bucks". But once again his attempts ended up bad, this album only sold 742 copies. Einstein was now without COX, or rapping skills, so he tried once more at an album, this one was "Gimme All Da Plutonium!" This album had only 8 songs on it, and only 65 copies were made. The price for this album on websites such as Ebay is through the roof. After this attempt at a record, Einstein hung up his bling, and went back to science 100%. This is one man who will go down in the hall of fame of rap, which will hopefully have a dedication to COX.
[edit] Psycho-Analysis

Unbeknownst to casual Einstein-enthusiasts, Einstein had a brief tenure in the world of psycho-analysis. Despite the lack of recognition for his work in this field, his most notable work in this field summated with his phrase, "A good definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results". Since this somehow unshocking conjecture was made in the late 1930s, it has fallen in reputation and now carries very little weight in the psycho-analysis community. A more appropriate definition of insanity is generally regarded to be possessing female reproductive organs and/or a compulsive shopping habit. Insanity is also often characterized by an affinity for 1980s dance pop. What a sad era that was.
[edit] Other Notable Facts

* Discovered relativity while looking for a shortcut to Osgiliath.
* He showed that no object can travel faster than a lady with to c cup sized breasts.
* Isaac Newton once said of him, "If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"
* Mathematically proved the "I before E, except after C" spelling rule (which is wrong, look at weight, height and supercalafragalisticexpealidocious for example.
* Although not a chemist, he created the tasty compound Sandwich Oxide SnWCHO2.
* Discovered the formula "E=MC Hammer".
* Inventor of two theories of relativity, which he concocted to explain why some of his children looked more like their dog.
* Despite great efforts, he could never solve the complexity of German grammar.
* Once ate his weight in pickled eggs.
* Although he said that God doesn't play dice, he firmly believed that God was a great poker player.
* Designer of the solar powered flashlight.
* Einstein didn't understand how gravity worked... oh wait, that was Newton.

Albert Einstein's formal self as a hobo.
HuffersAdded by Huffers
[edit] See Also

* Einstein's Theory of Relativity
* Making up Albert Einstein quotes
* Einsteinian Physics
* Boson
* Jew
* Nikola Tesla
* F
* Formula One
* EPR Paradox
* Wallace and Gromit
* Phil Osophy

v • d • e
Freaky German Stuff[hide]
Varying geograp