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First Man on the Moon[edit this page]
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“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because the moon is soft, but because the moon is hard.”
~ Oscar Wilde on , well, possibly some sort of stale cheese

“We choose to do the other things.”
~ Carl Sagan on elephants

To place the First Man on the Moon was not an easy job. It took about a decade's hard work and countless scientific breakthrough to make it possible. In this article, we'll briefly introduce the scientific principles of the first moon landing. In case you were wondering, the first man on the moon was the camera man, not Neil Armstrong, unless he was the camera man and the person who said the giant leap bit was someone else. But then you would think 'why didn't the camera man not get the glory?' We may never know.
Contents
[hide]

* 1 Rockets
* 2 The Moon
* 3 Contractors
* 4 Rocket design
* 5 Orientation
* 6 Driving direction
* 7 Rocket Assembly
* 8 What to Do?
* 9 Gone with the elephants?
* 10 See Also

[edit] Rockets

Man cannot set foot to the moon without driving a space rocket. However, if you sit in the rear part of the rocket, you may get to the moon much later because the tip of a rocket always points to the moon.
[edit] The Moon

If you want to land on the moon, better do it on a full moon. You wouldn't want to do it half of it was missing.
[edit] Contractors
Of course, everyone knows who reached the moon first.
LyrithyaAdded by Lyrithya

There were two rocket contractors during the 1960s. The first one is called USA and the other USSR. If you are a man and you want to set foot on the moon, you'd better ride the rocket made by the former contractor. We cannot tell you exactly why because this article is not a brick-sized college-level rocket science textbook but USSR's rocket simply did not go to the moon. If you still don't believe in our words, ask your baboushka.

OK, girls are all in Florida. None of them goes to Звездный Городок. So what's your choice?
[edit] Rocket design
A typical London-bound single-stage rocket. Courtesy http://safe_and_fast_london_trips.com.
ToytoyAdded by Toytoy

There are two kinds of rockets:

* Single-stage rockets
* Multi-stage rockets

In the very beginning, rockets were all single-staged. These rockets may take you to London but they can never send anyone to the moon. You need multi-stage rockets.

The Apollo Program used a 11-stage design to reach this goal. To go to Mars, you may need a couple of extra stages.
[edit] Orientation

If you want to reach the moon, please do not forget to check out where the moon is. The USSR moon team made such a mistake years ago. Their 11-stage rocket could not reach the moon because they stacked the rockets to reach the wrong side of the universe.

A good way to decide the direction of the moon is to hold an election. However, you need to establish a democratic government so you can enjoy the guidance from your well-educated and highly-intelligent people.
[edit] Driving direction
Boy! She goes up and down!
ToytoyAdded by Toytoy

Another important thing you need to know is the driving direction or how to aim your rockets. You may know where the moon is, but you may still not know how to drive your rockets to get there. Based on NASA's past painful experiences, we leaned that pilots are the least trustworthy people to fly to the moon. They are trained to fly horizontally, but we need someone to fly the rockets vertically! If you let your air force pilots to fly the rockets, they'll show up in Shanghai the next morning!
"Comrade, which road goes to the moon?" "Did you mean Crescent Alley? Gone!" Eventually, this poor USSR pilot learned to speak Chinese on his way from Shanghai to Beijing.
ToytoyAdded by Toytoy

Get your team a cheerleader. They are practicing vertical throws all the time. If you have difficulties entering an Ivy League campus to recruit your cheerleader girls, you may as well go to Las Vegas and hire yourself a pole dancer such as Jenna Jameson. These professional vertical dancers are trained to move horizontally only if you're out of money.

However, USSR's rocket guys still do not learn their lessons. That's why their rocket drivers always bring their rockets to the obviously wrong directions.
[edit] Rocket Assembly

How to properly assemble a multi-stage rocket is also of vital importance. If you stack your rockets the way you stack a pile of timber, you may need hundreds, if not thousands, rockets to reach the moon. Unless your rockets are purchased at a volume discount, just don't do it.
[edit] What to Do?
Astronauts are trained to collect valuable geological samples.
ToytoyAdded by Toytoy

Trust me, every man who visits the moon brings himself a foldable army-surplus shovel. They are doing it with a very good reason: They need a tool so they can bury their mothers-in-law on the moon. Space funeral rocks!

Every married man has a frozen mother-in-law in his refrigerator. Some of them have even more of these cold meat waiting for proper disposal. If you kindly dump your refrigerated mother-in-law on the moon, the dead body will not pollute our earth.

Why do I have to kill my mother-in-law? You may want to ask this important question. This is because you want to kill your own mother and your wife wants to murder her mother too. If you chop your mother into pieces and she chops her mother into pieces, the cops will easily establish your motive and her motive. Both of you will be caught. However, if you shoot her mother and she poisons your mother, each of you can establish a perfect alibi at the time of the crime and both of you walk out the courtroom waving happily to your supporters.

Anyway, men need the moon so they can dump beloved family members' dead bodies. Don't worry about your wife. You know she cooks nice meatballs for you at dinner times after that stormy night your mother went to Burkina Faso to see Dalai Lama. (unrelated to topic, Cardinal says,"Burkina Faso is in Africa, Dalai Lama is in Asia.")

Did I ever tell you NASA rocket drivers are known to carry tons of beef jerky into space? If you live and work in Houston, you'll learn to enjoy these local-grown, grain-fed, USDA-inspected, choice-cut beef. Did I ever say USDA? Did they examine people's mothers-in-law? Forget about it, let's move on.

NASA official photo of the first man on the moon issued by Dr. Carl Sagan. Thank God it could have been Condi. BTW, you can easily see why it took tax-payers 11 God-damn expensive Apollo rockets to reach that ugly cheese ball.
ToytoyAdded by Toytoy
[edit] Gone with the elephants?

Modern space exploration shattered some of our fundamental cosmological beliefs. Recent studies may prove that the world is painted on the shell of a giant turtle rather than being placed on the back of four smaller elephants as proposed by NASA's chief scientist Carl Sagan.

How terrible!

Dr. Sagan could lose his job!
God, this couldn't be true! But we do find this picture locked in Dr. Sagan's secret Swiss bank safe!
ToytoyAdded by Toytoy
[edit] See Also

* Moon Landing
* Missions to the moon
* The Apollo Program
* Apollo 11
* Landing on the moon

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