From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Whoops! Maybe you were looking for pancakes?
“The bacteria look so cuddly!”
~ Oscar Wilde
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ebola.
An Ebola virus. Lifesize.
FreeMorphemeAdded by FreeMorpheme
Microsoft Ebola is a horrible disease affecting (BLEAUGH) people that often visit rainforests. It was originally planned to be a followup to Windows BSE, but after some really crazy shit happened it turned into something that makes your tongue turn into bloody gunk. The project was cancelled, but unfortunately it was leaked onto file-sharing networks by a disgruntled employee for no particular reason. Everyone hates that guy now.
Contents
[hide]
* 1 History of Ebola
* 2 How to prevent Ebola
* 3 Common Victims of Ebola
* 4 Transmission of the disease
* 5 Symptoms of Ebola
* 6 Urban Myths
* 7 Curing Ebola
* 8 Quotes
[edit] History of Ebola
Everyone Loves Ebola! No one likes Ebola's sister Marburg, cuz Green Monkey Disease is boring.
VashinredAdded by Vashinred
Ebola also known as bloraphis (because you bleed from every oraphis) started out as a program for foreign and retarded children, though some claimed it to be used mainly as industrial latrine solvent. However, its programmers were unable to include a security feature and it soon became a virus. Ebola then began its reign of terror, striking fear into the heart of those who often come in contact with other people's blood. It is believed to have started in Turkey. Then, it moved to England, and after England, Japan. Finally, it arrived in the the big country that looks like a horse without back legs. The CDC filed it as a Class VVIXV Threat to canine health. After the Ebola Panic of 1980, the current president of the USA ordered a nationwide lockdown of Ebola and its affiliates in a secret plan to be the sole wielder of the Ebola virus in his secret plan to rule the world. Unfortunately, a condom broke during this lockdown and the epidemic continued to spread, foiling Bill Gates' plan, at which he immediately though of a better way to subdue the world.
[edit] How to prevent Ebola
The best way to prevent Ebola is to not go anywhere tropical. Extra precautions you can take include avoiding fast food, not leaving your house (EVER), or huffing kittens. However, because of an increased chance of cancers of the lung, breast and anus, the kitten huffing prevention plan is not recommended.Another good way to prevent Ebola is to make love to your father before every meal.
[edit] Common Victims of Ebola
Common victims of Ebola include Japanese rock stars, Ethiopian children, explorers, the ledgendary jamindians and children japanese rockstar explorers. If you make contact with any of these on a regular basis, it is vital that you stop immediately. If you are one of these, then there is no help for you. Please enjoy the rest of this article. If you can.
[edit] Transmission of the disease
This disease can be transmitted through bites received from various insects, drinking tropical water, drinking toilet water, or eating raw lemurs. Causes have also been traced back to eating at the Grease Hut, however, the manager denies this. In rare cases, this disease is transmitted through sexual contact or making direct eye contact with someone infected with Ebola. Some employees of Microsoft are also known to secretly be able to infect people from just touch, these are the remnants of Bill Gates' plan Ebola0. If you use
[edit] Symptoms of Ebola
The following symptoms include but are not limited to:
* Excessive diarrhoea (for reals!)
* Cravings for kitten huffing
* Visits from Michael Jackson
* Police bribes
* Failed children's educational programs
* Attraction from emo people and sadists
* Attraction to George Dubya Bush
* Attraction to ugly Soviet leaders
* Sudden sexual feeling for children ages 4 and under
* The ability to shoot mexicans out of your belly button
* Spontanious Combustion
* Penis shrinkage
* Becoming magnetic
* Sexual fantasies with your parents (mine or yours?)
* Attraction to people of the same sex
* Attraction to animals
* Attraction to animals of the same sex
* Attraction to pillows
* Attraction to pillows of the same sex
* Dis-Attraction to jesus
* Acne
* Cubism
* Asploding microwaves
* Black holes
* Meth being expelled from mouth when coughing
* Bleeding from your eyes (for reals!)
If you experience any one of these symptoms, report to your nearest hospital for medical and psychological assistance for a 0.1% chance of living and/or being safe from Michael Jackson.
[edit] Urban Myths
Most jamindians (jamacian indians) believe you could cure bloraphis simply by climbing to the top of mount doom to search to for forbidden lotus flower of Te Anau. Other victims believe that that once infected they can cure the disease by passing it on to the next contextant, and claiming there prize of fancy purple panda pants from Peru.
[edit] Curing Ebola
If you have Ebola, you're screwed. Your going to die. All you can really do is enjoy your last moments with your loved ones (or pets) before you start puking up your organs out and finding Nikita Khrushchev sexy.
[edit] Quotes
“Ebola?!mmmh mmmh Good!....its my favorite flavor”
~ Campbells Soup on its news flavor of soup--Ebola
“I'm bleeding, is that bad?”
~ Emos on Ebola
“The bacteria look so cuddly!”
~ Oscar Wilde
“Its like putting your guts in a blender.”
~ Donald Rumsfeld
“I swear, I did not transmit that disease to that woman.”
~ Bill Clinton on Monica Lewinsky
“I could have used Ebola instead of anthrax, but I am a humanitarian.”
~ Osama Bin Laden on Ebola
“Well, I find that Ebola is very dangerous...But I Find That Anthrax Is Also Very Dangerous...So Why Should You Be Able to Call Yourself A Humanitarian Anyway”
~ Captain Obvious on the above comment
“I Think I was Drunk While I Wrote That...Wait I Had Ebola”
~ Captain Obvious on On The Above Comment
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ebola"
Category: Diseases
Add category
* Edit
Improve Uncyclopedia by editing this page
* History
History
* Related changes
Related changes
* Permanent link
Permanent link
* What links here
What links here
* Random page
View random page
* Share this article
Share this article
Rate this page:
* 5.0000/5
* 1
* 2
* 3
* 4
* 5
Unrate it
No comments:
Post a Comment