Lunar Launch[edit this page]
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Apollo 15 – Lunar-lander was clearly designed for ease of vacuum navigation at speeds exceeding 110 kilometers-per-second.
FunnybonyAdded by Funnybony
The Apollo 15 Moon mission took place in 1971 at a time before real computers. One phase of the mission was Lunar Launch and docking with the command-module, Endeavor. This simple to imagine procedure is elaborately explained by Wikipedia in the following sentence:
“After the 'Apollo 15' Lunar Module 'Falcon' lifted from the Moon’s surface it docked with the Apollo Command-Service-Module, 'Endeavor'."
Amazingly easy! According to Wikipedia there is only the word "it" between 'surface' and 'docked'. But what actually transpired from Lunar launch until docking? What exactly is "it"? Did it take only one split second to launch back into orbit, get going 110 Kilometers per second (396,000 KPH?), then catch-up and dock safely with Endeavor in the empty vacuum of outer space? Sure, and bears shit in the Vatican.
In the late 1970s Apollo 15 crew members, Dave Scott and Jim Irwin, wrote a book on the experience titled, "If We Had Done It". The book created a sensation at NASA, and became a best seller. Later, both Scott and Irwin had their families kidnapped, and, under extreme duress, they publicly retracted this version. But it remains an underground classic.
In 1990, after reading the book, and realizing the great potential of a "Lunar Launch" film, director Stanley Kubrick bought the rights to the detailed story and interviewed the astronauts involved. A script was created, and a extremely diverse cast was assembled by Kubrick to satisfy his weird sense of humor and add ample surrealism. The cast was selected based on the three performers' innate natural characteristics and leading character portrayals. The result is quite interesting.
Contents
[hide]
* 1 CAST: Proposed
* 2 FADE IN
* 3 SFX. "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG
* 4 EXT. LUNAR SURFACE (MARSH OF DECAY), LUNAR MODULE
* 5 INT. LUNAR MODULE, FALCON
* 6 SFX: Engine turning over, and starting up
* 7 SFX: Files falling, papers shuffling
* 8 SFX: Drag Racer taking off
* 9 SFX: Tires screeching
* 10 SFX: Laughter in the background at NASA
* 11 DISSOLVE
* 12 SFX. IMITATION "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG
* 13 EXT. OUTER-SPACE. LUNAR MODULE "FALCON" FLOATS ABOVE THE MOON
* 14 BREAK
* 15 TBC (cancelled)
* 16 Also see
[edit] CAST: Proposed
1. Commander David Scott (Tommy Chong)
2. Astronaut James Irwin (Joe Pesci)
3. NASA Voiceover (Judi Dench)
[edit] FADE IN
[edit] SFX. "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG
[edit] EXT. LUNAR SURFACE (MARSH OF DECAY), LUNAR MODULE
[edit] INT. LUNAR MODULE, FALCON
Commander David SCOTT, 38, tall, hippie, and Lunar Module Pilot James IRWIN, 32, short, gangster, have spent three days on the Moon performing their required tasks. The two Astronauts have completed their mission and are ready for Lunar Launch, and a return back into lunar orbit to dock with the Command-Service-Module, Endeavor, which contains the only toilet; and which is orbiting the Moon at a speed of 110 kilometers per second.
SCOTT
(taps microphone with forefinger)
Hey, Houston!
NASA VO
Go ahead, this is Ground Control. Is
that you commander?.
SCOTT
Ah, Dave's not here....
(laugh track)
Naa, only jokin'. Listen, dude, we, like, did
all our stuff. What's next? I gotta take a
dump, big-time.
NASA VO
Blast-it all, Commander, you do have
a way with words.
IRWIN
I'll tell ya some fuckin' words! Like, how
the fuck are we supposed to get off the
Moon, and dock with Endeavor in open
space? That's gotta be fuckin' impossible.
NASA VO
Just follow the manual.
SCOTT
Manuel? He works at the tennis court.
IRWIN
What the hell's she talkin' about?
NASA VO
GAD! You don’t have the bloody manual?
IRWIN
What fuckin' manual?
SCOTT
Major bummer! What're gonna do now?
We’re, like, stuck here, Dude! And I gotta
go so bad!”
IRWIN
Listen, you better tell us what to do,
or I'll split your fuckin' head wide open.
I don't give a fuck!
NASA VO
Well, I suppose we’ll have to, won’t we?
Right, then! Now, listen carefully, first
you open the side hatch window so
that you can see where you are,
then press the red button,...
SCOTT
Dude, did you catch that?
NASA VO
...only after flipping the five green switches.
IRWIN
Sure, man, press the red button, then
flip the 5 green switches thing here.
NASA VO
Now insert and twist the ignition key.
SCOTT
OK! Here goes nothin'. Ready?
[edit] SFX: Engine turning over, and starting up
IRWIN
Dave, man, you did it. Okay, now what?
NASA VO
Right, then. Now release the hand brake.
IRWIN
Okay. Hand brake released.
NASA VO
Good. Set the gear to “L”.
SCOTT
Dude, what's she talkin' about?
I don’t see any “L”!?
IRWIN
Listen Houston, there's no fuckin'
“L” on the gearbox!
NASA VO
What? No “L”??
SCOTT
Yeah, man. It just says, like, Park,
Reverse, Drive, 2nd, and 1st.
NASA VO
Oh dear!! Hang on!
[edit] SFX: Files falling, papers shuffling
NASA VO
Damn! All right, set the gear to 1st.
IRWIN
Okay, gear's set at 1st.
NASA VO
Now, press on the petrol, just
a tad. Not too hard, mind you!
[edit] SFX: Drag Racer taking off
SCOTT
WHOOOOOOAAAAAA!
IRWIN
HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIT!!
NASA VO
What does the altitude-o-meter read?
SCOTT
It's, like, up to 30,000, 35,000...
NASA VO
No! Stop! You'll fly into space.
IRWIN
Whatta we do?
NASA VO
Slow down, Man! Hit the emergency brake.
[edit] SFX: Tires screeching
SCOTT
Dude! That was bitchin. What a ride!
Like, now what?
NASA VO
When you reach 67,000, stop, and put on the
emergency brake. Then set the gear to park.
SCOTT
Okay, man, we're at, like, 67,000, parking
brake's on. What's next?
NASA VO
You have to wait until 'Endeavor' comes around
again at about 70,000. It’ll be moving quite
fast, so you'll need to fire forward thrusters
and catch up with it.
IRWIN
Hey sweet-heart, how fast we gotta get
goin' to catch up?
NASA VO
Well, we're not quite sure! The Endeavor
may be going around 110 kilometers-per-second.
So when it comes around again you must take
off the handbrake, step on it, get going about 150
kilometers per second until you catch up, then
slow down to the same speed as the Module.
SCOTT
Slow down to 110?
NASA VO
Well, we don't really know how fast you'll
be going in a vacuum! OH! And for God's sake
don't get in its way, or you'll be smashed to bits.
SCOTT
Copy, dude! So when's the module comin' 'round?
NASA VO
I've a better question, Commander! Once you
catch it, how are you going to line-up to dock with
the module, specially, you're both going some 110
kilometers-per-second, inside a vacuum!?
SCOTT
Man, that’s gotta be, like, totally impossible
out here in space.
IRWIN
How the fuck are we supposed to do that?
NASA VO
Well, to be perfectly honest, we don't really know!
SCOTT
Huh? Like, what's the manual say, Dude?
NASA VO
It just ends. Much like the Mayan calendar
in 2012. I'm frightfully sorry!
IRWIN
What the fuck?
NASA VO
You see, we never really thought you
would make it this far. So I suppose we'll
just have to improvise, now, won't we!?
[edit] SFX: Laughter in the background at NASA
SCOTT
Shit!
NASA VO
Ha-ha! We're only jesting. Of course we
have a way to catch the command-module.
SCOTT
Cool! So how, man?
NASA VO
Alright, then. Listen carefully. In the compartment
marked "net" take out the yellow MC device.
IRWIN
What the fuck is an MC device?
NASA VO
Oh, well, that's the module catcher. Its much
like a large butterfly net. Really quite large
But in space it'll be light as a feather.
SCOTT
A butterfly net?
NASA VO
Commander, don't be daft! Its a module net.
But its simply shaped like a butterfly net.
IRWIN
Okay, keep talkin'. Whatta we do with that?
NASA VO
Why, you catch the module, of course.
IRWIN
How the fuck do we pull that off?
NASA VO
Well, once you have caught up with the module,
one of you has to climb outside your lunar-lander
and catch the command module with the net.
SCOTT
Hey! Far out, man. That's sounds easy.
You can do it, dude. No sweat.
NASA VO
It will be moving quite fast, so you'll
need to keep your wits about you.
IRWIN
So when's it commin'?
NASA VO
Let me check. Lets see. It'll be passing
your position in about fifteen seconds, so
do get ready. And we'll speak with you again
once you've docked. This is Ground Control.
Cheerio!
SCOTT
(to Irwin)
Dude! You ready?
IRWIN
Okay! Okay! Don't get worked up.
[edit] DISSOLVE
[edit] SFX. IMITATION "TWILIGHT ZONE" THEME SONG
[edit] EXT. OUTER-SPACE. LUNAR MODULE "FALCON" FLOATS ABOVE THE MOON
Commander David Scott and Lunar Module Pilot James Irwin are suspended at a stand-still over the Moon in open space. They have not trained for this, and they have a mere 10 seconds to get ready. Now the only thing they want to do is dock with the Command-Service-Module, Endeavor, which, as previously stated, contains the only toilet. The situation has become dire.
[edit] BREAK
DIRECTOR
CUT! Okay! Lets take a break.
[edit] TBC (cancelled)
[edit] Also see
* Moon landing - Absolute truth!
* Moon hoax 50 x Better!!!
* Missions to the moon
* The Apollo Program
* Landing on the moon
* First Man on the Moon
* Who built the moon
* Space Travel
* NASA
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