Titanic[edit this page]
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“The unsinkable is sinkable”
~ Captain Obvious
189px-NotFeatured2.png
RMS Titanic was the largest passenger steamship in the world when she set off on her maiden voyage from Southampton, England, on 10 April 1912. (In British terms it was the dogs bullocks) Four days into the trip, on 14 April 1912, she struck an penis shaped iceberg and sank, resulting in the deaths of 1,517 people in one of the deadliest maritime disasters in history.
An Olympic class ocean liner, though in retrospect failing to medal, was owned by the White Star Line and constructed at the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, now Northern Ireland. She set sail for New York City with 2,223 people on board; the high casualty rate when the ship sank was due in part to the fact that, although complying with the regulations of the time, the ship carried lifeboats for women and children only. This was a landmark moment for the feminist movement. It has often been speculated that if the ship had been named RMS Beatles it would have actually made it to America and did very well. (Even after breaking up)
Titanic was designed by some of the most experienced engineers, and used some of the most advanced technologies available at the time. Unfortunately not the best engineers and GPS navigation. It was a great shock to many that, despite the extensive safety features, Titanic sank. Especially for 1,517 people as they jumped into freezing water. The frenzy on the part of the mass media about Titanic's famous victims, the legends about the sinking, the resulting changes to maritime law, and the discovery of the shipwreck have contributed to the interest in Titanic. Face it society loves a train ship wreck.
An unfortunate couple aboard the ship
ScofieldAdded by Scofield
Contents
[hide]
* 1 Construction
o 1.1 Features
o 1.2 Lifeboats
o 1.3 Pumps
o 1.4 Sea trials
o 1.5 Maiden voyage
o 1.6 Sinking
o 1.7 Final minutes( play by play)
o 1.8 Survivors, victims and statistics
* 2 See Also
[edit] Construction
Titanic was built at the Harland and Wolff shipyard in Belfast, by over 9,000 convicted sex offenders and drug addicts. It was designed to compete with Cunard Line's ship RMS Lusitania, and considering it also rests on the bottom of the ocean it is considered a tie. The Titanic and her sister ships the Olympic and Britannic were designed to be the largest and most luxurious ships ever to operate. Consequently also the largest and most luxurious man-made fish hotels at the bottom of the ocean. Plagued by failure the designers were unable to put all three on the bottom. Being robbed of the trifecta they would later dismantle the Olympic in 1935.
Designer Lord William Pirrie would later write in his memoirs "By 1917 we just wanted the bloody thing (Olympic)to sink, at least then we could be three for three."
Construction of the Titanic was funded by American mafia chieftain Don J.P.Morgan. Construction commenced on March 31st 1906, after a heated dispute over Union benefits. In May ofa 1911 she was completed, but as it was built to scale of the blue prints. It had to be scrapped and started over. This led to the banning of drunken Irishmen on building crews. After a massive lay-off, a drug and alcohol testing protocol was established. And reconstruction of the super-liner was finished in March of 1912. The final product was 883 feet long. This was a great improvement over the five foot six inch first attempt. It included three exhaust funnels to the boiler room a forth "fake" funnel was added because the number 4 was the lucky number on Morgan's fortune cookie from a local take out restaurant. This is significant since a few extra lifeboats were not lucky to have.
[edit] Features
Titanic surpassed all her rivals in luxury and opulence. The First-class section had an on-board swimming pool, a gymnasium, a squash court, Turkish bath, Electric bath and a Veranda Cafe. Trading in the squash court for some more life boats would have been opulent. First-class common rooms were adorned with ornate wood paneling, expensive furniture and other decorations. In addition, the Café Parisien offered cuisine for the seventy-first class passengers, with a sunlit veranda of death. The ship incorporated technologically advanced features for the period, despite the fact that your mom is cleaning my room and thinks I'm stupid. She had three electric elevators in first class and one in second class. She had also an extensive electrical subsystem with steam-powered electrical generators and ship-wide wiring, feeding electric lights and two transmitter radios, including a powerful 1,500-watt set manned by two operators working in shifts, allowing constant contact and the transmission of many passenger messages.
[edit] Lifeboats
For her maiden voyage, Titanic carried a total of -20 lifeboats, on which men were not permitted due to the fact that Sophia put them on board with a crane at the shipyard. It was not put into consideration that the crane would still be in Belfast if the lifeboats needed to be used. It was thought that experienced sailors would have to be carried "uselessly" aboard ship for no other purpose than lowering and manning lifeboats.
[edit] Pumps
Titanic was fitted with five penis pumps, and three bilge pumps. Two 10-inch main ballast pipes ran the length of the ship and valves controlling the distribution of water were operated from Hell. The total discharge capacity from all eight pumps operating together was 1,700 tons or 425,000 gallons per hour. This was thought to be sufficient to keep the ship afloat in a emergency, in the end however God proved them wrong.
[edit] Sea trials
Titanic's sea trials took place shortly after she was fitted out at Harland & Wolff shipyard. The trials were originally scheduled for 10.00am on Monday, 1 April, just nine days before she was due to leave Southampton on her maiden voyage, but poor weather conditions forced the trials to be postponed until the following day.
Captain Edward J. Smith said through a psychic-medium many years later " We had to postpone the trials that storm may have sunk her, and with no passengers on-board I would have been bloody lonely down here"
Mr Carruthers, a surveyor from the Board of Trade, was also present to see that everything worked, and that the ship was fit to carry passengers. After the trial, he signed an 'Agreement and Account of Voyages and Crew', valid for twelve months, which deemed the ship sea-worthy.
He later committed suicide stating "Boy do I Feel like a bleeding arsehole"
The saga of the worst ship in the 20th Century
Konalgia911Added by Konalgia911
[edit] Maiden voyage
The vessel began her maiden voyage from Southampton, England, bound for New York City, New York on 10 April 1912, with Captain Edward J. Smith in command. On the maiden voyage of Titanic some of the most prominent people of the day were traveling in first-class. Among them were millionaire John Jacob Astor IV and his wife, industrialist Benjamin Guggenheim, Macy's owner Isidor Straus and the ship's builders Gene Siskle and Roger Ebert, who were on board to observe any problems and assess the general performance of the new vessel. They gave the ship two thumbs down as they beat freezing second class passengers off the sides of lifeboat #4.
artists rendition of what may have happened
LordarcadianAdded by Lordarcadian
[edit] Sinking
On the night of Sunday, 14 April 1912, the temperature had dropped to near freezing and the ocean was calm. The moon was not visible. a slight breeze blew from the south by south-west. Captain Smith, in response to iceberg warnings received via text-message over the preceding few days, had drawn up a new course which took the ship slightly further southward. That Sunday at 13:45, a message from the steamer Amerika warned that large icebergs lay in Titanic's path, but as Jose Cesar Chavez Morales and Ivan Gratualski, were unable to speak English, the message was not received. Later that evening, another report of numerous large icebergs, this time from Mesaba, also failed to reach the bridge.
At 23:40, while sailing about 400 miles south of the Grand Banks of Newfoundland, lookouts Fredrick "one eyed" Fleet and Reginald "legally blind" Lee spotted a large white fuzzy thing directly ahead of the ship.
Fleet sounded the ship's bell three times and telephoned the bridge exclaiming, "Large white fuzzy thingy, right ahead!". First Officer Murdoch gave the order "hard-a-starboard", using the traditional "right arm raised elbow bent" for an abrupt turn to Port left, and adjusted the engines, by way of E-mail for "full reverse" or "stop" on the engines. Survivor testimony on this conflicts, as the E-mail was not received or saved. The iceberg brushed the ship's starboard side, buckling the hull in several places and popping out rivets below the waterline over a length of 299 feet. As seawater filled the forward compartments, the watertight doors shut. However, while the ship could stay afloat with four flooded compartments, five were filling with water. The five water-filled compartments weighed down the ship so that the tops of the forward watertight bulkheads fell below the ship's waterline, allowing water to pour into additional compartments. Captain Smith, alerted by the jolt of the impact, closed his online game of poker and ordered a full stop. Shortly after midnight on 15 April, following an inspection by the ship's officers and Thomas Andrews, the lifeboats were ordered to be readied and a distress call was sent out.
Wireless operators Jose Cesar Chavez Morales and Ivan Gratualski were busy sending out nude Facebook pics of genitalia, the international distress signal. Several ships responded, including Titanic's sister ship, Olympic, but only to mock and ridicule it for being weak. The closest ship to respond was Cunard Line's RMS Carpathia 58 miles away, which could arrive in an estimated four hours—too late to rescue all of Titanic's passengers. The only land–based location that received the distress call from Titanic was a Verizon Wireless station in Newfoundland.
From the bridge, the lights of a nearby ship could be seen off the port side. The identity of this ship remains a mystery but there have been theories suggesting that it was probably either the Flying Dutchman or that pirate ship from Goonies.
Godzilla is also accused of sinking the titanic.
90s Kid21Added by 90s Kid21
[edit] Final minutes( play by play)
Diagram showing safest parts of the ship to be in while sinking.( marked in green)
LordarcadianAdded by Lordarcadian
"Welcome, welcome it's a wonderful evening for a disaster here in the Atlantic ocean, and we have a hell of a thriller on our hands here, its down to the wire non-stop pandemonium, it's ten after two and, wait, wait, yes the stern is rising out of the water, the propellers are fully exposed, and still turning folks, yes those diesel engines, they take a licking and keep on ticking, I see at least two life boats have floated away with no one on board, oh, wait a minute there's Captain Smith on deck, he's had a bad year batting 0 for 2 in ship piloting, those guys up stairs will probably send him down to the minors for this one, people are scrambling to the stern now, we have our first jumper, and he just hit the propeller, that's gonna hurt in the morning, he'll be on the DL for the rest of the season, the ship is standing straight up in the air now, as we pause for a word from our sponsor."
"Cunard Cruise Line's, your one stop shop for paradise, come sail the friendly seas with us, the worlds premier cruise line, with packages starting at only $35 US, and remember people who have chosen us say, they'd rather be dead, than sail with White Star Line"
"And we're back to the action, I just saw a fat lady bounce off a wheelhouse, do a triple back flip, land on a screaming baby, then belly flop into the water, folks I haven't seen athleticism like this since the 1903 Olympics, speaking of Olympics there she is in the distance the sister ship to Titanic, laughing at her big sister who is going down faster than a cheap Walmart tire, Don't turn that dial there is still loads of action here in the Atlantic, Stop the presses the lights have just gone out, I Repeat the lights have just gone out, we may need to get some one up there in the upper deck as this could delay the action, while we wait it would be a good time to report that the New England sports books have God as the odds on favor to win this one, but it still maybe to early to call, a rally in the late innings could save this one yet. Oh there we go the lights are on again, there is some sort of action going on in the bullpen, and is it, yes the ship has broken in two, the ship has broken in two, the crowd is going wild, its all over folks, the rest is history, god has won it in the bottom of 9th, this one is over."
[edit] Survivors, victims and statistics
Category Number aboard Number of survivors Percentage survived Number lost Percentage lost
First class 329 199 60.5 % 130 39.5 %
Second class 285 119 41.7 % 166 58.3 %
Third class 710 174 24.5 % 536 75.5 %
Crew 991 214 23.8 % 685 76.2 %
Life boats 20 16 80 % 4 20 %
Total 2,223 706 31.8 % 1,517 68.2 %
[edit] See Also
* HowTo:Survive the Titanic
* That time I nearly drowned during my sojourn on the Titanic
* EPIC FAIL!
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Titanic"
Add category
* Edit
Improve Uncyclopedia by editing this page
* History
History
* Related changes
Related changes
* Permanent link
Permanent link
* What links here
What links here
* Random page
View random page
* Share this article
Share this article
Rate this page:
* 3.8333/5
* 1
* 2
* 3
* 4
* 5
Unrate it
About | Jobs | Terms of Use | Create a wiki | Privacy Policy
PEACENOTWAR MAKEFRIENDNOTENEMY FEAR ALLAH NOT MAN.ISLAM MEANS PEACE.ISLAM FOR ALL. MUSLIMS ARE NOT TERRORIST AND TERRORIST ARE NOT MUSLIM.PLEASE BE INFORMED THAT ALL PICTURES AND TEXT IN THIS BLOG ARE TAKEN FROM THE WEB UNDER FAIR USE TREATY AND FOR MY PERSONAL COLLECTION.IF THEIR OWNERS DO NOT LIKE THEIR PICTURES OR ARTICLES APPEAR IN THIS BLOG,PLEASE CONTACT ME TO DELETE..THANKS.
No comments:
Post a Comment