Hurricane Katrina[edit this page]
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If you got this warning on 28th August, 2005; your house is gone.
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“We will find Katrina. And we will bring her to justice”
~ George W. Bush on Hurricane Katrina
Hurricane Katrina was hurricane that hit land and destroyed much of the southeastern southwestnorthern seaboard of the United States on August 23, 2005. It is well known that the storm was created by Kanye West's Voodoo magic to make patron saint and god amongst men George W. Bush look foolish. Thankfully everybody rich, white or important was out of state at a Jimmy Buffet concert in Maryland, Texas, yet some white people were inconvenienced in this event.
Some totally Extreme and radical thrill seeking "storm watchers" who decided to stay behind died horrible water logged deaths in their own homes or of exposure from waiting on their roofs for well meaning government aid that certainly meant to arrive.Let us never forget what those people did to the Superdome.
Foolish liberals often site President Bush's appointment of Danny DeVito as the head FEMA as a reason for the befoulment of the Superdome.
A couple of the most beautiful asses eva'. Danny DeVito was in the movie TWINS
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As a commemoration for this event the people of Louisiana enjoy a delicious margarita to commemorate the wonderful Jimmy Buffet Concert they all attended.
Contents
[hide]
* 1 The Superdome
* 2 Mississippi
* 3 Alabama
* 4 Can Nuked Orleans sink any lower?
o 4.1 Literally
* 5 Hurricane Katrina....... Mass Conspiracy?
o 5.1 Figuratively (which is what we meant,vagina )
* 6 "Hurricane Pam"
* 7 War on Terra, or as the liberals say, Global Warming.
* 8 Copycat storms
* 9 Ichabod Crane's response
* 10 Bert is Devesated
* 11 See also
[edit] The Superdome
During the storm the government ran a small experiment to see if minorities could form their own society without the help of white people, food, electricity, washrooms or running water or not getting raped. This experiment was a failure and it was judged that white people would continue running the country, better luck next time muchachos!
The cleaning of the superdome progressed slowly due to a shortage of staff
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[edit] Mississippi
In reality, Hurricane Katrina just gave New Orleans a long-overdue bath, while every house and outhouse on the Mississippi coast was turned into scrap wood. However, nobody noticed, because most Americans didn't know that Mississippi had a coast in the first place. They thought it was all Klansmen and Civil War re-enactors.
"There's nothing left. You expect to see something, boards or something. But there's nothing there." - John Anderson, Shearwater [1]
"I don't think you've seen anything like this. We're talking nuclear devastation." - Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour (R) to FEMA's Michael Brown [2]
The few who knew that Mississississ, um, whatever was a state at all were happy to learn that the state would continue its proudest tradition: ensuring that no other state will ever be #50 on any list of state accomplishments.
"Out of the rubble of Trent Lott's house … there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch." - George W. Bush inspecting the damage in Mississippi [3]
"Ain't no use in running. The worst is over. I'm going to kick it out and see what happens. What we need is some portable toilets." - Louis Russell, homeless storm victim in Biloxi MS [4]
[edit] Alabama
The hurricane demolished the part of Albania that should have been part of Florida in the first place, but at least Mississippi is still #50.
Most affected was the town of Mobile, Alabama, the state's only salt-water seaport. As the town itself is Mobile, Alabama's good 'ol boys attempted to get it out of harm's way by loading it on the back of an old pick-up truck and heading for the hills. Unfortunately, much damage was still sustained both as a result of high winds and a collision between a floating oil platform and a major highway bridge as they were trying to hightail Mobile, Alabama out of Katrina's path. [5]
[edit] Can Nuked Orleans sink any lower?
[edit] Literally
According to geologists, yes. The city was originally built on mud which had been washed into the delta by the Mississippi River. As the mud sank, the river used to deposit a new layer of mud on top of it, making it look stable and intact. Dam or divert the river and the supply of new sediment dries up. Drain the muddy ground in order to build a city, and the ground becomes lower still - eventually ending up further below sea level. Because of this geologic nightmare, Americans chose to build No Orleans there.
[edit] Hurricane Katrina....... Mass Conspiracy?
Many people are now attempting to find out if Katrina was in fact, a NATURAL Disaster. Top secret reports were found inside a Soviet union base, by an British Intelligence Agent Named 33Alpha765 Kodi Whitehurst.. His finding show that the day on which Katrina formed, a very small circle of wind was exiting Russian Borders... in a few hours it tuned into a Massive Hurricane which sunk the bowl-city of New Orleans.. The report also explained WHY. Apparently, the Soviet Embassy had ordered its best Agents to run around in a large circle in order to create a funnel of wind. they wanted to see what would happen if New Orleans filled with water, because, and this was the exact wording of the Report "We can't Resist it". Several weeks later it was revealed that this was a forgery put forth by the White House to justify an invasion of Asia.
The reports also showed a blueprint for a new prototype human DNA formular, to create superior warriors... This Blueprint was called "Operation: Chimera".
[edit] Figuratively (which is what we meant,vagina )
Refugees being held by National Guard at gunpoint in the Superdome and convention centre seemed much less certain that the city could sink any lower than it has already. Not only has it been reduced to looting and gunfire, with the shelters themselves becoming dangerously unsafe, but refugees are reported to have been killed both by police and by militia:
* "The people, they just wouldn't leave town... everyone saw the big ass storm on radar and the projected path. The buses were lined up waiting for people to get on them. Just there were too many stupid mother fuckers down here and the government refused to force them to evacuate for fear of musicians saying that President Bush hated black people by using the National guard to force them out of their houses." - La National Guardsman Cpl. John Punishment
* "They killed a man here last night. A young lady was being raped and stabbed. And the sounds of her screaming got to this man and so he ran out into the street to get help from troops, to try to flag down a passing truck of them, and he jumped up on the truck's windscreen and they shot him dead." - refugee Steve Banka;
* "Last night at 8 p.m. they shot a kid of just 16. He was just crossing the street. They ran him over, the New Orleans police did, and then they got out of the car and shot him in the head." - refugee Wade Batiste; both commenting to Reuters [6]
Lady Death in her Mexican incarnation as 'La Catrina'
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On the other hand, the violence may have been somewhat overstated. Heck, Geraldo Rivera went into New Orleans and he was not hit with a folding chair, not shot at, not stabbed, not raped and, most importantly, not given a decent haircut.
Conspiracy theorists have also determined that the reports that the violence may have been somewhat overstated may also be somewhat overstated [7] and the shooting of Danny Brumfield, 45, by police outside the convention centre remains under investigation [8]. While the chief of police has been forced to resign, cleaning up No Orleans tarnished image [9] may prove even more difficult than cleaning up the Superdome, a forever-jinxed site built atop the city's oldest Protestant graveyard [10].
Mayor Nagin continues to impose one arbitrary curfew after another on the ruined city in a desperate attempt to get NOPD off the streets early so that they can commit fewer crimes. Unfortunately, the beatings have continued unimpeded. This can't be good for tourism. He also called for the ratio of black/white citizens to return to the pre-storm level to remain a Chocolate City, which is the NAACP politically correct way to tell whitey to get the hell outta town.
[edit] "Hurricane Pam"
A FEMA "test run" which took place a year before Katrina unleashed her wrath on America, the "Hurricane Pam" exercise had predicted much of the chaos which followed Katrina. With evacuation plans clearly only 10% complete, many thousands would be guaranteed to be left behind.
"If you think soup lines in the Depression were long, wait 'til you see lines at these collection points. We're at less than 10 percent done with this trans planning when you consider the buses and the people," - U.S. Transportation Department regional emergency officer Don Day, July 29, 2005. [11]
"As a dry run for the real thing, Pam should have been a wake-up call that could not be ignored. Instead, it is apparent that a more appropriate name for Pam should have been 'Cassandra' -- the mythical prophet who warned of disasters but whom no one believed." - Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) [12]
Countless other predictions of Katrina's wrath were made and ignored in the months and years leading up to this unprecedented disaster. Perhaps if she were named something menacing like Hurricane Osama instead of "Pam" or Katrina, US authorities would've sat up and paid attention before it was too late?
However future threats can be prevented because creation scientists have discovered that Katrina was caused by the gay pride parades triggering God's wrath. The U.S. military plans to invest into a gay army that causes natural disasters were ever they perform their gay natural disaster summoning parades.
Hurricane Katrina was in fact named in tribute to American Bollywood Actress Katrina Kaif. Asian Meteorological Agencies subsequently adopted this fashion in naming the 2008 Cyclone that ravaged Burma/Myanmar (delete as appropriate you pantywaist sycophant to the regime bitch) Nargis, after the popular 50's Bollywood actress. Indian sex symbol Bipasha Basu has already expressed dismay that she has not yet had a disaster named in her honour.
[edit] War on Terra, or as the liberals say, Global Warming.
USA flooded by Katrina
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White House spokesman Scott McClellan decried the terrible actions of Katrina and said that the Administration was examining "all available options". However, sources close to Secretary of War Condoleeza Rice and Secretary of Grouchy Old School Masters Donald Rumsfeld said that a full scale attack on Iran was being planned in response to the destruction which has taken place in New Orleans. Nonetheless, the additional military spending will leave less money for the Army Corps of Engineers to go fix the dam levées and floodwalls anchored in ten feet of mud, sand and swamp peat that caused the problems in the first place.
"If a terrorist had blown up the 17th Street Canal levée, then everybody would have jumped all over that" - FEMA's Michael Brown on why nobody cares about Katrina. [13]
Meanwhile, the war against Katrina in this Gulf may be costing as many lives as the war against Saddam in the Persian Gulf. Over a thousand bodies have been recovered in Louisiana [14] in addition to hundreds more in Mississippi and other states, including the state of advanced decomposition.
"A temporary disruption" - George W. Bush [15]
"This is a national disgrace. FEMA has been here three days, yet there is no command and control. We can send massive amounts of aid to tsunami victims, but we can't bail out the city of New Orleans." - Terry Ebbert, head, Gnu Orleans emergency operations [16]
" To augment the tragedy, the government of the world's richest nation defied the general expectation that at the first sign of the storm it would muster an armada of ships, boats and helicopters for the rescue operation. For nearly three days it sat smugly apathetic to the people's plight, their need for food, medicine and other basic necessities." - The Nation, a Pakistani newspaper [17]
"If we can't respond faster than this to an event we saw coming across the Gulf for days, then why do we think we're prepared to respond to a nuclear or biological attack?" Newt Gingrich (R), former speaker [18]
"We have been abandoned by our own country. Hurricane Katrina will go down in history as one of the worst storms ever to hit an American coast, but the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina will go down as one of the worst abandonments of Americans on American soil ever in U.S. history. It's not just Katrina that caused all these deaths in New Orleans here... Bureaucracy has committed murder here in the greater New Orleans area, and bureaucracy has to stand trial before Congress now." - Aaron Broussard, Jefferson Parish President.[19]
"What didn't go right?" - George W. Bush [20][21]
"We are doing the best we can with the resources we have, but almost all of our guys are in Iraq. They care more about Iraq and Afghanistan than here." - a Louisiana National Guard soldier [22]
[edit] Copycat storms
This destroyed bank's sign caused many conservative Christians to call the hurricane God's warning against premarital sex.
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After destroying New Orleans, Katrina was eventually downgraded to a tropical depression on August 30, 2005 and is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at a hospital in Canada as a danger to herself and others. Plans to air-drop one million Prozac pills on Katrina are currently being organized; drug manufacturers are struggling to fill this large prescription.
Rumour has it that that this entire event was caused by menopause combined with giving up Woodbines.
Katrina was such a hit (being the lead story on National news every night for a month), that she inevitably produced many copycat storms. Her younger sister, Hurricane Rita, attempted to destroy Houston (a larger, more productive, less jazzy version of New Orleans) in much the same way as Katrina. On approach, however, she realized that Houston didn't have an outdated levée system to exploit, or any levée system at all for that matter, so she resorted to flooding New Orleans again in a much more pathetic and half-assed fashion. While she got points for irony, her effort was largely panned as a second-rate sequel worthy of Hollywood.
[edit] Ichabod Crane's response
A few days after Hurricane Katrina made landfall on New Orleans and Biloxi, Ichabod Crane, an awkward country schoolmaster based out of Sleepy Hollow, NY, sued alleging that NOAA had named the hurricane after his girlfriend Katrina Van Tassel because somebody who didn't like Katrina bribed them. At the end of September 2005, NOAA will be giving Ichabod Crane $1 billion as compensation.
In the meantime, NOAA is busy constructing an ark in response to widespread flooding left in the storm's wake, which had spread all the way from New Orleans into the wretched Sleepy Hollow glen.
"It was an evil spirit possessed you. I pray God it is satisfied now, and you find peace. The evil eye has done its work; my life is over, spared for a lifetime of horrors in my sleep, waking each day to grief. Goodbye, Katrina." - Ichabod Crane [23]
Katrina, meanwhile, has gone on to stardom in American cinema opposite Clark Gable in Gone With The Wind.
[edit] Bert is Devesated
Bert observes the ruins of New Orleans post-hurricane
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While Bert and his "wife" Mama Luigi were staying in New Orleans for the birth of Bertram which was yet to come at the time, a large hurricane was heading towards the U.S. of A. When Bert and his "wife" heard about this, they evacuated with the help of Sonic the Hedgehog and Miles "Tails" or "The Ultimate" Prower. Post-hurricane, all of New Orleans was flooded and Bert was just desperate to find his New Orleans penpal. When he found "Mr. Louisiana" Jonathon Tassen unconscious, he pronounced him dead. Bert is currently seeking therapy for the death of his penpal.
[edit] See also
* Mcintosh
* Floods in Romania
* Catrina
* Hurricane Rita – hired by President Bush to replace Katrina after she failed to distract the public from the war in Iraq
* Mississippi River
* New New Orleans
* No Orleans
* New Orleans Square
* New Orleans Saints
* New Louisiana
* New Venice
* FEMA
* Atlantis
* New Atlantis
* Africa for USA
* National Weather Service
* UnNews:New_Orleans_disaster_accounts_offer_survival_insights
* UnNews:God_Admits_Responsibility_For_Hurricane_Katrina
* UnNews:Nigeria offers Katrina aid
* UnNews:Heaven Police after God
* UnNews:Hurricane Beta released
* UnNews:God's cronies captured
2005 Atlantic hurricane season
Hurricane Dennis - Hurricane Katrina - Hurricane Rita - Hurricane Wilma - Hurricane βeta
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Hurricane_Katrina"
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